Attachment difficulties: recognise the signs, understand attachment styles and discover what can help

Authors: Marian Kok and Judith Wolterink

When the foundations for secure attachment have not been sufficiently established, this can lead to attachment difficulties later in life. These difficulties may become apparent in romantic relationships, friendships, family life or at work. Some people find it difficult to trust others, while others constantly seek reassurance or fear being abandoned. The way we form relationships does not develop by chance. From an early age, we learn what we can expect from others. Are people available when we need support? Is it safe to express our feelings? And are we worthy of being loved? The answers to these questions form the basis of our attachment style.

Fortunately, an attachment style is not fixed for life. Research shows that people can change and grow throughout their lives. Secure relationships, new experiences and appropriate support can help to change old patterns step by step.

In this article, you will learn what attachment difficulties are, how an attachment style develops, which signs to look out for, what the difference is between attachment difficulties and an attachment disorder, and how you can develop more secure attachment patterns.

What are attachment difficulties?

Attachment difficulties refer to recurring problems in forming and maintaining secure relationships. People may, for example, find it difficult to trust others, fear rejection, withdraw emotionally or become highly dependent on reassurance from others.

The foundations for these patterns are usually laid in the first years of life. Through the way parents or other regular caregivers respond to a child’s needs, the child develops expectations about themselves, others and relationships. When a child feels seen, comforted and protected, they develop confidence that others will be available when needed. If this sense of security is absent over a prolonged period, an insecure attachment style may develop, which can lead to attachment difficulties later in life.

Attachment difficulties do not automatically mean that someone has a mental disorder. Many people function well in everyday life but notice that certain patterns keep repeating themselves. For example, they may repeatedly encounter difficulties in relationships, find it hard to ask for help or quickly feel rejected, even when there is little reason to do so.

How does an attachment style develop?

An attachment style does not develop overnight. From birth, a child gradually learns whether the people around them are available, predictable and reliable. This does not happen through a single significant event, but through thousands of everyday moments in which a parent or caregiver responds to what a child needs.

When a baby cries, becomes frightened or seeks comfort, they learn something from the response that follows. Are they reassured and do they feel safe? Or are responses absent, unpredictable or rejecting? Based on these experiences, a child develops expectations about themselves, others and relationships.

The British psychiatrist John Bowlby described how children develop what is known as an ‘internal working model’: an unconscious view of themselves, others and the world around them. This working model later influences how someone deals with trust, closeness, conflict and dependence.

Parents certainly do not have to be perfect. The British paediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott introduced the concept of the ‘good enough parent’. Above all, children need a caregiver who is usually available and responds sensitively when needed. Small mistakes or less successful days are part of parenting and are not harmful as long as a child generally feels safe.

Later, developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth built on Bowlby’s work. Her research showed that children develop different ways of dealing with security and closeness. Based on this, we now distinguish four attachment styles.

The four attachment styles

Everyone develops their own way of dealing with trust, dependence and emotional connection. The four attachment styles are not fixed categories, but describe patterns that people often recognise in themselves:

• Secure attachment: trust, healthy autonomy and emotional connection
• Avoidant attachment: strong independence, difficulty with vulnerability, keeping others at a distance
• Ambivalent attachment: a strong need for reassurance and fear of rejection
• Disorganised attachment: simultaneously longing for and fearing closeness

Secure attachment

With secure attachment, a child experiences that parents or caregivers are usually available when needed. The child learns that their feelings are accepted and that it is safe to ask for support.

People with a secure attachment style are generally comfortable getting close to others without losing their sense of self. They can trust others while remaining independent. Conflicts or disagreements do not usually immediately threaten the stability of the relationship. Secure attachment therefore provides a strong foundation for healthy relationships and emotional resilience.

Avoidant attachment

With an avoidant attachment style, a child has often learnt that emotions receive little attention or that it is better to solve problems independently. As a result, the child may develop the belief that they must primarily rely on themselves. As a protective strategy, they learn to express their feelings less and develop a strong sense of independence.

In adulthood, this may manifest as difficulty with vulnerability or emotional closeness. People prefer to keep their feelings to themselves, find dependence difficult and often withdraw during conflicts.

To others, they may sometimes appear cold or distant, while underneath there may be a strong need for security and connection.

Ambivalent attachment

With an ambivalent attachment style, the responses of parents or caregivers are often inconsistent and difficult to predict. Sometimes there is plenty of attention, while at other times there is very little. As a result, a child does not learn what they can rely on.

Later in life, this may lead to a strong need for reassurance and closeness. At the same time, there is often a fear of being abandoned or rejected.

People with an ambivalent attachment style may therefore experience relationships as intense. They constantly seek connection, but are also alert to signs that the other person is becoming distant. Out of fear of losing the relationship, they may need frequent reassurance, adapt themselves considerably to the other person or become dependent on them. Sometimes, others may perceive this as demanding or clingy behaviour, while underneath it is mainly driven by a deep longing for security and connection.

Disorganised attachment

A disorganised attachment style usually develops when the caregiver is simultaneously a source of security and fear. This may occur, for example, in cases of severe neglect, abuse or other traumatic experiences.

This creates an impossible situation for a child: the person they turn to for safety is also the person who causes fear. As a result, the child does not learn how to deal with stress, emotions and relationships in a secure way.

Later in life, this may lead to contradictory reactions in relationships. Someone longs for connection but simultaneously experiences considerable distrust or fear. As a result, relationships may feel unpredictable and complicated.

People with a disorganised attachment style may frequently alternate between seeking closeness and pushing others away. They long for a close relationship but may withdraw or push the other person away as soon as someone gets too close. They may also have difficulty regulating their emotions, quickly feel unsafe or react strongly to conflicts. Behind these contradictory reactions, there is often a deep longing for security and trust, combined with the fear of being hurt again.

How can you recognise attachment difficulties?

Everyone experiences insecurity in relationships from time to time or finds it difficult to share their feelings. This does not immediately mean that they have attachment difficulties. Often, it involves recurring patterns that continue to appear in different situations and relationships.

One person withdraws as soon as a relationship becomes closer, while another constantly needs reassurance. Although these reactions may seem very different, they often stem from the same need: security and connection.

Signs in children

Attachment difficulties can manifest in different ways in children. Some children hardly seek comfort when they are upset and seem to want to solve everything themselves. Other children cling tightly to their parents or caregivers and quickly become upset when they are out of sight, even for a moment.

Difficulty regulating emotions, considerable distrust or problems interacting with peers may also be signs that a child does not feel sufficiently secure. At the same time, it is important to always consider behaviour in the context of the individual child. Not every withdrawn or anxious child has attachment difficulties.

Signs in adults

In adults, the effects often become visible within relationships. Many people notice that they keep encountering the same problems, even when partners or circumstances change.

Common signs include:

• finding it difficult to trust others;
• being afraid of rejection or abandonment;
• having difficulty with emotional closeness;
• constantly seeking reassurance;
• finding it difficult to express feelings;
• avoiding conflicts or allowing them to escalate quickly;
• finding it difficult to set boundaries;
• repeatedly ending up in similar relationship patterns.

These characteristics may also occur with other psychological difficulties or significant life events. It is therefore important not to jump to conclusions. Only a qualified professional can assess what is causing the difficulties and which form of support is appropriate.

Do I have attachment difficulties?

Everyone feels insecure in a relationship from time to time. This does not automatically mean that everyone has attachment difficulties. However, do you recognise yourself in several of the statements below and notice that these patterns keep repeating themselves in different relationships? If so, it may be worthwhile to explore your own attachment style further.

• I find it difficult to trust others completely.
• I am afraid that important people in my life will abandon or reject me.
• I keep others at a distance, even though I need connection.
• I often seek reassurance that others care about me.
• I find it difficult to express my feelings or needs.
• I become upset easily by criticism or rejection.
• I notice that the same problems keep repeating themselves in my relationships.
• I find it difficult to set healthy boundaries.

Do you recognise (several of) these signs? This may be a reason to explore your attachment patterns further or discuss them with a qualified professional.

What are the consequences of insecure attachment?

Insecure attachment can affect different areas of life. Some people notice this mainly in their relationships, while others struggle more often with insecurity, stress or managing their emotions. The extent of the consequences varies from person to person and depends on factors such as later life experiences, support from their environment and personal resilience.

Fortunately, insecure attachment does not have to be permanent. New positive experiences, secure relationships and appropriate support can help people develop greater trust in themselves and others.

Emotional consequences: why someone often feels insecure

Insecure attachment can lead to feelings of shame, fear of rejection, insecurity or low self-esteem. Some people constantly seek reassurance, while others keep their distance to avoid disappointment. Although these reactions may seem different, they often stem from the same need: the need for security and connection.

Some people try to avoid these feelings as much as possible. Others quickly become overwhelmed by them. Both reactions can often be traced back to the same urge: to be seen and accepted.

Cognitive consequences: how attachment difficulties influence your thinking

Attachment difficulties also influence the way someone interprets situations. People may be quicker to assume that others will reject them, have less confidence in their own worth or interpret neutral signals negatively. Beliefs such as ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘I have to do everything on my own’ or ‘People will eventually abandon me anyway’ may develop as a result. In the field of psychology, these beliefs are also known as internal working models and can be changed through new experiences and therapy.

How does insecure attachment affect the brain?

The first years of life are important for brain development. When a child grows up in an unsafe or stressful environment over a prolonged period, their stress response system is activated more frequently. As a result, some people may become more sensitive to conflict, tension or rejection later in life.

This does not mean that change is impossible. The brain continues to develop throughout life. Thanks to this neuroplasticity, new experiences, secure relationships and appropriate support can contribute to developing healthier patterns. This is precisely why understanding your own attachment style is an important first step towards change.

Attachment difficulties or an attachment disorder: what is the difference?

The terms are regularly used interchangeably, but they do not mean the same thing.

Attachment difficulties is an umbrella term for recurring problems involving trust, relationships and emotional regulation. Many people with an insecure attachment style function well in everyday life, but notice that certain patterns keep repeating themselves.

An attachment disorder, on the other hand, is an officially recognised psychiatric diagnosis. According to the DSM-5-TR, it develops almost exclusively following severe and prolonged neglect or a prolonged lack of a secure caregiving environment in the first years of life.

In adults, the term attachment disorder is regularly used when what is actually meant is an insecure attachment style or attachment difficulties.

Can you develop a more secure attachment style?

Although the foundations of attachment are laid in childhood, research shows that attachment patterns can change throughout life. Old beliefs and protective mechanisms do not usually disappear overnight, but new experiences can help you gradually develop greater trust in yourself and others.

Change often begins with awareness. By recognising which thoughts, feelings and reactions keep recurring, you create space to consciously make different choices. Secure relationships play an important role in this. Professional support can also help to break through deeply ingrained patterns.

What types of support or therapy can help?

The most suitable form of support depends on the nature and severity of the attachment difficulties. For mild to moderate attachment difficulties, psychosocial support or counselling can help people gain insight into their attachment patterns, better understand their emotions and develop healthier ways of managing relationships.

When the difficulties are more deeply rooted, or occur alongside mental health conditions or trauma, psychotherapy may be an appropriate choice. Commonly used forms of treatment include:

• Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), aimed at strengthening secure emotional connections.
• Schema Therapy, which explores and changes deeply ingrained beliefs and patterns of behaviour.
• Mentalization-Based Therapy (MBT), which helps people better understand their own feelings and those of others.
• Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), aimed at recognising and changing unhelpful thoughts and behaviours.

A therapist or counsellor can work together with the client to determine which form of support best meets their needs. In cases of severe psychological difficulties or an attachment disorder, treatment by an appropriately qualified healthcare professional is recommended.

What can you do yourself to develop more secure attachment?

You can also work towards a more secure attachment style yourself without therapy. This begins with recognising recurring patterns and asking yourself:

• When do I quickly feel rejected?
• Why do I withdraw when someone gets close to me?
• What beliefs do I have about myself and others?

It also helps to express your feelings more often, practise setting healthy boundaries, consciously maintain reliable relationships and gradually gain new experiences in which trust plays a central role.

Keep in mind: change takes time. Even small, positive experiences can gradually help old beliefs give way to new, more secure patterns.

Would you like to support people with attachment difficulties?

More and more coaches, counsellors and psychosocial practitioners are supporting people who struggle with recurring relationship patterns, find it difficult to trust others or experience the consequences of insecure attachment. Knowledge of attachment theory helps professionals better understand these patterns and tailor their support to the need for security, connection and emotional closeness.

In our Coaching and Counselling Year 1 and Year 2 training programmes, you learn how to guide people through self-exploration and personal growth, and help them break through unhelpful patterns. You develop the knowledge and skills to support clients in building greater self-confidence and forming healthy, secure relationships.

Frequently asked questions about attachment difficulties

Scientific references

• Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation.
• Bowlby, J. (1969/1982). Attachment and Loss, Volume 1: Attachment.
• Bowlby, J. (1973). Attachment and Loss, Volume 2: Separation.
• Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families.
• American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR).
• Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (Eds.). (2016). Handbook of Attachment: Theory, Research, and Clinical Applications (3e editie).